We as women go through so many phases within ourselves, not realizing that we are just trying to accommodate our significant others as a means to get them to stay. Do you see what’s wrong with that??? The term accommodate means to do a favor or act of kindness. We look at changing ourselves, what we have become over time..the building up of the woman within us as a favor. We all know that favors aren’t meant to be kept in mind forever, so how long will this “favor” we give be appreciated?
How long will our altering hold “Mr. Right” in place? Just until the next woman, willing to make a larger accommodation comes along….
John and I had gotten better, though we still were on “non agreement” terms, I had began to change my way of thinking, convincing myself that my lack of nagging or wondering and worrying could keep him by my side. As time passed, my theory worked- I was brain washed and he was happy, so it seemed. That was until I was thrown with the reality that he had been “casually” dating another woman, Tara! As he said the name so nonchalantly, I could not help but to wonder when he had time to begin “casually” doing anything with anyone else. I altered my mind to believe that the time spent away was “guy time” or “down time”, but I was undeniably wrong. It seemed that in those minutes of explaining (which could not have been more than 3 minutes), I pieced- as best I could- the puzzle that displayed the picture of this situation.
“She’s just a friend that I worked with”.
Out of the whole sentence, all I repeatedly heard was “worked with”. The English teacher in me gave much emphasis to the past tense of the word: worked.
“So why are you two just now dating if she worked with you in the past?”
I wanted to shout as the womanly instinct set off a sudden alarm, but the lady on the outside brought the tone down to what came out as a whisper.
“We ran into each other…and…”
“Oh!” I said, unappeased..
“It’s nothing.” He said
“Ok…” was the reply, but I felt unmoved.
At that moment, I looked at him. I examined his face, the face I kissed just minutes before; I wonder how that face looks to her. Is he as innocent as he once was to me?
I got up and put on my jacket, attempting to display a sense of confidence and contentment with what we had.
I could not give a hug for the reason that he just indirectly told me that what we have is not serious enough for him to close his listings. Three years, oceans of tears, an opera of yells, and too many smiles I have put into this man, and even at this point he could not choose me. I walked myself to the door, making sure I reached it before he could get off of the couch completely. As I reached for the knob, he grabbed my waist. At that very moment, it seemed as if time stood still.
“You know what it is, Char.”
I looked at the tile on the floor below our feet. It seemed so in place, so organized. I wished I was aligned with that tile, then maybe my life would make sense. I would have no worries or constant questions of: what does this mean now? I glanced at his hand as it slid around my waist; my eyes moved up, passing his shoulder as he hugged me and there it was- the mirror. The mirror by the door. The mirror that I once always looked in, but now avoided because I knew it would show me myself. I couldn’t avoid it this time, there she was staring me in the face! Someone who could be me, but had a completely different personality. She was not me, not the woman that walked through that door three years ago.
That’s when she hit me. I could not lie any longer. I accommodated John so much that I had pushed Charlotte out of the picture. I thought I still had her, but I did not, she was gone. I was left with this woman that revolved her world around a man that did not appreciate her. A man that wanted her to be what he wanted her to be. A man that did not want to make a compromise on any level, especially on the level of commitment.
I closed my eyes, blocking the exit for my tears. A slight sniffle came, but I coughed in his shirt to mask the sound of sadness.
He grabbed my chin as I turned away.
“Stop” I said.
He looked at me confused; I could tell he was trying to cover the surprise and worry he felt.
“Im tired..not physically, but emotionally.”
He looked at me as if he did not understand what I was talking about.
“Ok, well since you’re quiet for once, I’ll let it all out…”
As he opened his mouth, I cut him short with my remark.
“I have changed so much for you. I have stripped myself of rules and accepted your terms, but now I recognize that when I accepted your terms, I forever gave up any recognition of mine. I wont do this anymore…”
as I went on, I looked him in the face- getting a good look at everything that I once adored. I no longer adored this man. I began to wonder, what in the world made me change myself for him? Why would I want to accommodate someone so selfish?? Before I knew it, the thoughts that flew across my brain had rolled off my tongue. I was done and unable to take back the feelings that came out into the air. I looked at him, staring in his face as he looked toward the floor. I looked down towards the tile also. I realized at that moment, that my life is better than the tike that I recently envied. My life is not so easily laid out for me, but I have the power to change the direction it goes. I looked at the taupe slingback Manolos as they wrapped around my foot. I backed away from John, no longer fixing my eyes on any part of his face (instead I looked at the woman in the mirror behind him).
“If I alone can’t keep you, nothing else that matters will”, I told the woman in the mirror, but John could tell the expression was meant for him as well.
I walked out the door and down the driveway. I held myself, in triumph to the fact that I gained Charolette back, rescuing her from the prison she had spent three years in with no recognition. I came home that night to an empty house that yet looked so full!!! It had no accommodations to anyone but myself. My home was full of me! That was all I needed, as long as I was happy!