Something Old, Something New

Often times we come out of something in fear, but in hopes of finding something new and beautiful in exchange. When I spoke “goodbye” to Nic for the very last time, I was completely afraid as to what I would walk into next. I hoped that we would be back together, that he would come to my hometown or I somehow would end up back in Carolina and there would be no love lost but all loved recognized as gained. This was completely not the case. The months led to nothing but complete silence; wondering what he was doing, I was forced to constantly rebuke my hand from dialing his number with a text saying “I love you”. Why would I want to go back? I can not find that answer even today, but disappointingly, I relasped. Sneaking around my own “better being”, I found myself blocking my number one day and calling him, just to hear his voice.
Hello…
Hi Shuga*…
He already knew who it was on the other line and by the sound of his voice, he was more surprised than I to see that I was thinking about him. The next few days lead to more writings than the amount I conceived when I was with him. Those feelings of fear and excitement that I once knew but thought were lost had suddenly come back with the reappearance of the infamous Nic. I didn’t know what to do, so I pushed send. Every ballad I poured out for this man, every word that I dedicated to his beautiful being, I gave to him directly. It seemed lovely for a while, the thought of having him back convinced me that everything that had happened between then and now was a bad dream- he was about to awake me to a beautiful reality.

The only reality that came was the reality that he was now in a relationship with another woman, not so worried about waiting on me, as I did with the fear of losing him in my heart, he attempted to try real love. I tried to hold back tears as I listened to the excitement in his voice as he talked about his new acquaintance. I held those tears long enough to hang up the phone and find a pillow to plow my head into as my shield! That shield was the only thing that kept Nic from knowing the sound of pain- hard given, undeserved pain. It was the only thing that let him believe that I was happy for him, as it captured my tears and hid them in the midst of its body. The next day I didn’t bother to text. I didn’t bother to respond. There was no way I was going to continue to set myself up for a fairytale without my Prince Charming in the plot. So I let time pass; like an addict in withdraw, I sweated at the attempts to not dial that number, hoping that this time just may be different; but my efforts went accomplished. Before I knew it, it was the end of the year; I had not talked to Nic in months. I was on the brink now, I knew that at this point, things had changed. That’s when it came….
“Happy New Year”…
A simple text, from a simple man, that my simple heart wanted was so in love with but was too simple to realize that his love did not rest with me. I looked at the text. I saw the words blur as my eyes filled with tears. I knew what I had to do. I can’t go into a new year hoping that this would be a new beginning for us. At what point was our ending going to change? We have had so many beginnings, but all have ended the same-tears and ignored phone calls. “I want something new!!!” my mind told my heart as the tears strolled along my cheeks and chin. “I can’t do this anymore; it’s too much work!” I put the phone down, convinced that this was something different. I never felt so tired that fear had no room to deal its cards. I picked the phone back up… and pressed delete.
I may have lost time, and let go of my pride in the race to capture what I imagined as mine, but that old feeling was now gone. At that very moment, I had found something new- myself in its true sanity*

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